26 mar 2013
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14 mar 2013
6 mar 2013
What do you want from life?
There's a certain point in life where you sincerely ask yourself: "what do I want from life?"
In 19 years of life, I've never been asked a harder question than that. And knowing that the question comes from yourself just makes it even worse.
Do I really want to be an artist? Do I really want to be succesful? What is that I really need in order to feel GOOD? Recently I've been asking myself these kind of questions a lot. I've found some answers. For example, I know (not 100% sure, but close) that one of the reasons I love being an artist is because I want (read: need) to communicate to the world (or maybe just my parents?) how awful my childhood has been. How bad I keep feeling every day, morning after morning. How much angrer I keep inside but would love to let it all out. And you can't.
All I can do is to put little stories of me in every painting, in every stroke, hoping that someone will understand. And no one ever does.
There are things in life that are hard to understand. When you're a kid, they get even harder, almost impossible. You don't understand death. You can't give an explanation to that, you feel powerless, and it's incredible how easy is to blame ourselves for things that we could have never controlled. Sometimes parents can help, sometimes they're not there when you need them, you're alone and something is happening and there's nothing you can do and it just happened, and it's all your fault.
One day you grow up, you understand death, cheating, drugs, you understand that grown-up people are weak too. But it seems like it's almost impossible to go over it. In the deep, you still feel powerless. You still think it's all your fault.
How do you go over it? Will I feel like this forever? It's going to be this hard to sleep at night for the rest of my life?
All this fog in my mind just makes impossible for me to be truly commited to art... how do I get out of it? Is it really naive of me to be still waiting for someone to do that in my place? To help me get out of it? Is it being weak? I think I am. I think I am the weakest person I know. No matter what I've been through, what I managed to accept even though it was unacceptable, today I know for sure I can't do it alone. I just can't. I'm not strong, I'm not brave. I'm scared of life, I am so scared of facing life all by myself. I feel lonely even though I'm surrounded by people that loves me, and that's because no one understands. I don't want to be with them, I don't need their love or approval.
I want the love of who's no longer here and I can't have it. I want to go back in time and stop them. "Don't do it, you don't need it. Talk to me. I understand. I love you."
But I've never said it, and they're gone.
I'm so negative tonight. I'm sorry. I'm not always like this. I'm just really frustrated and lonely.
I'll be ok. I just need to find out what I want from life. It's going to take me a little more, maybe a couple of decades are enough.
PS: the title is an actual question for you (yes, you who read thus far, I love you for this), so if you'd like to discuss about it or maybe just complain, let's do it together.
In 19 years of life, I've never been asked a harder question than that. And knowing that the question comes from yourself just makes it even worse.
All I can do is to put little stories of me in every painting, in every stroke, hoping that someone will understand. And no one ever does.
There are things in life that are hard to understand. When you're a kid, they get even harder, almost impossible. You don't understand death. You can't give an explanation to that, you feel powerless, and it's incredible how easy is to blame ourselves for things that we could have never controlled. Sometimes parents can help, sometimes they're not there when you need them, you're alone and something is happening and there's nothing you can do and it just happened, and it's all your fault.
One day you grow up, you understand death, cheating, drugs, you understand that grown-up people are weak too. But it seems like it's almost impossible to go over it. In the deep, you still feel powerless. You still think it's all your fault.
How do you go over it? Will I feel like this forever? It's going to be this hard to sleep at night for the rest of my life?
All this fog in my mind just makes impossible for me to be truly commited to art... how do I get out of it? Is it really naive of me to be still waiting for someone to do that in my place? To help me get out of it? Is it being weak? I think I am. I think I am the weakest person I know. No matter what I've been through, what I managed to accept even though it was unacceptable, today I know for sure I can't do it alone. I just can't. I'm not strong, I'm not brave. I'm scared of life, I am so scared of facing life all by myself. I feel lonely even though I'm surrounded by people that loves me, and that's because no one understands. I don't want to be with them, I don't need their love or approval.
I want the love of who's no longer here and I can't have it. I want to go back in time and stop them. "Don't do it, you don't need it. Talk to me. I understand. I love you."
But I've never said it, and they're gone.
I'm so negative tonight. I'm sorry. I'm not always like this. I'm just really frustrated and lonely.
I'll be ok. I just need to find out what I want from life. It's going to take me a little more, maybe a couple of decades are enough.
PS: the title is an actual question for you (yes, you who read thus far, I love you for this), so if you'd like to discuss about it or maybe just complain, let's do it together.
4 mar 2013
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